I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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