she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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