I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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