I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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