We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just found puke in my bra..
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The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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