I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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