Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
