I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He did a backflip because drugs
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