Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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