i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
