I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
