When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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