I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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