I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
