I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
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