When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
