God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
