my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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