Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
