You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
