Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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