i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
