my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
