I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
