Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
