I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
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I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
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I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
did i just pee glitter
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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