All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
