tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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