I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
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