Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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