I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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