I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
