Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
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I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
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Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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