naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
