When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
