peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
