He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
