Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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