I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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