i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Still dying that you shit outside
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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