ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
