Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
