jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
