In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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