The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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