I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
