is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
