I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
