The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
