Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
