it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
