If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
