I wish my penis had an off switch
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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