My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
