Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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