I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
