i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
